I'm assuming you want this critiqued as a story and not as an editorial of some nature.

I'll also avoid any grammar issues other than to ask why, suddenly, for one sentence, the 8th of the third part, you suddenly become Yoda.

First off, it has a very slice-of-life feel to it that's very natural in parts. It reminds me a lot of someone literarily famous I can't quite put my finger on, especially the internal dialogue stuff.

However, there's a real problem, IMO, with the style you use in presenting it. Occasionally, it reads kind of like a police report -- lists of events, mostly. I think that it would work better if you left some of the specifics out. Remove a lot of the things that tie it down to a specific set of people.

The reason I say this is that the way you present it, it screams to suck the reader into being the protagonist, but every time you list an event, it pushes the reader back out.

One way to help this would be to describe pertinent events, rather than telling that they happened. Somehow, even in places that seem like they should be in present tense, they're told in the past tense or maybe almost present perfect, as if you're recounting things that just happened, instead of being there and experiencing them.

On the other hand, there's something to be said for the way that that conveys a sort of out-of-body experience, which I think kind of matches the feeling you're going for. But I still think that there needs to be more description and less exposition.

Also, the series of declarative sentences that you sometimes get in tend to push the reader into reading too fast (for this story), and it breaks the rhythm and pacing of the story. It needs to be slow, almost languid.

I'd probably also describe things that set a mood but otherwise don't really seem to have anything to do with the sequence of events.

I'd also leave more out, and let the reader fill in the blanks. There's no reason to tell whether or not you do anything with her. Let the reader discover it. Or fill it in to his own preference, as it doesn't really make any difference.

Note that I'm not claiming I could do any better. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, critique.

Just some things to think about. The hardest part of being a writer, and the part I never really could get my head around, is being able to read your writing as if you hadn't written it. It's going to need to be rewritten probably several times before it flows, but it's a very good start, I think. It really drew me in, at least the first part.